Stay or go? Breaking down cost of going to Olympics vs. staying home

Hit the Road:

Flight: You don’t go on vacation much, so treat yourself to a cushy seat up front. $8,573

Hotel: Egyptian cotton isn’t cheap but neither are you and anything less than 800 thread count is uncivilized. $5,676

Transportation: Gotta get your ass from the airport to the resort, near Krasnaya Polyana. $94

Event tickets (four events): Not only do you have to get there, then they charge you for tickets. The nerve! $453

Libations: We figure you’ll average 3.3 liters of beer per day, and a half-liter of vodka will compliment those nicely. $381

Bribes: According to a study by independent Russian research centers, the average bribe costs $178. We guess you’ll shell out about three of them. $534

Food: A generous amount of fast food offset by some beef stroganov and a little pelmeni. $663

Souvenirs: Ushanka (funny looking) fur hat, something with the Olympic rings and maybe a Vladimir Putin bobblehead. $150

Total: $16,524

Watch from Home:

Dranks: We’ll say a sixer of beer for each of the four events and the makings of your favorite one of Hank’s Dranks (we recommend the Mule). $61

Basic internet/cable package: They sell it monthly so start out your month with some trashy cable TV, watch all the skiing, a little bit of curling and then switch over to the Food Network. $35

Hot wings and pizza: To further separate yourself from these Olympic-caliber athletes, order the greasiest, most delicious delivery around. $69

Total: $165

Conclusion:

Stick Around: Sitting on your couch costs approximately one percent of what it would cost to go to the Olympics and you’ll probably get a better view.